A Nurse’s Choice to Self Love
Written by: Kellie Chiari
The journey to self-love was an unexpected and transformative one
My journey from being a hands-on caregiver to becoming an IT analyst was a conscious decision to see if I could love others without overextending myself. Nursing is demanding in every way, and after another hurricane ride out, I found myself stretched too thin. The ride out teams worked tirelessly, eating, sleeping, and showering in the hospital for five days until relief staff could navigate the flooded streets to join them. My personal life was also upended by significant changes and difficult family deaths. I knew I needed time to rejuvenate, heal, process, and find my new bearings. Could I still find other ways to be useful, worthy of this lifetime, and contribute to others without sacrificing all of me and more? These questions were pivotal for someone like me, born in the 60s, striving for a life well-lived.
My resolve to stay the course and learn more about myself faced a true test during the pandemic, which created a nursing shortage, leaving patients alone in their hospital rooms with no visitors or family to comfort them. I grappled with guilt and inner turmoil for not pulling my weight, not utilizing my gifts and talents, and not being there for my fellow nurses. I felt immense heartache for the frightened and isolated patients without their families. I empathized with their struggle as I had experienced something similar. Despite my safe desk job, which saved lives through virtual health technology, I couldn't shake the feeling of meaninglessness. It made me wonder if not responding to the call for help made me a lesser person, weaker, or less deserving of my place on Earth, as I had been raised to think.
This personal challenge and sudden life course switch were radical, and I am still adjusting to this new way of being. I have come to understand that my true self is not reflected solely in my actions but in the present moment. By refraining from immediately resuming my nursing role, I allowed myself to see, feel, and understand the needs of my family, community, and the broader world. I allowed myself to experience every emotion in real-time, without downplaying or judging their value. Although I still struggle with expressing my feelings to others and tend to compartmentalize, I have learned to explore and integrate them into my identity.
The deconstruction and reconstruction of my identity have been a slow and gradual process, spanning several years. Admittedly, many of those years were painful, filled with tears and heartache. But through it all, I held onto my belief in the process of feeling my emotions and being present with myself and others. I let go of the notion that I had to earn my value and worthiness. Instead, I came to realize that loving myself and my family was crucial for extending love to others. I know that this journey is for my highest good.
I now embrace the concept of giving and receiving love in every opportunity life presents. As I continue to grow and evolve, I cherish this path of self-discovery and self-compassion. Loving myself has been the key to understanding my true worth and to truly caring for others.
Give and receive love in every opportunity!
- Kellie